Taking over the gavel from Nancy Pelosi as speaker of the House of Represenatives, John Boehner today said he would end "gridlock" in Congress, and by that he meant replacing the word "gridlock" and replacing it with a more soothing word like "stalemate." If not that, "impasse." "Americans said they want an end to 'business as usual,'" said Boehner, invoking a timeworn phrase well-known by Americans to actually be part of business as usual. "Thus the time has come for change," he said, carefully choosing his cliches for maximum efficacy.
He vowed to get rid of gridlock. He also vowed to vehemently thwart the efforts of Democrats, even though, technically such an effort would cause gridlock. "It will not technically be gridlock," Boehner said. "But something more like a Mexican standoff."
"Americans hate gridlock, and by that, I mean they hate the word 'gridlock,'" said Boehner. "Thus, Republicans vow to get rid of this word and use words instead like "stumbling block," "roadblock," "deadlock," and "standstill."
Boehner denied that Republicans in the past had been "obstructionist."
"That's just an ad hominem attack on people participating in the naturally occurring process of 'gridlock,'" Boehner said. "Name calling like that is not going to help us get beyond gridlock and move on to something more politic like a nice 'logjam.'"
Whether it be logjam, stalemate, gridlock, Americans are tired of it, Boehner said. Even though most Americans also agree that gridlocks keep Congress from spending their money.
"And I guess in that sense, gridlocks are good," said Boehner, who, stopping to think about it, realized he had vowed not to spend more money. "So I guess what I'm saying is: Never mind what I said before. I will not actually end gridlock at all. Gridlock for everybody!"
The decorum on the House floor then broke down into anarchic cheers, dancing, gunfire and smoke.