2 CBSLL Cool J is so cool no matter what he does that we've decided to put whip cream on him and stick a log of butter up his ass to see if he can make even THAT look cool.
3 ABC Extreme Makeover: Just because you're eating stray dogs in an alley doesn't mean the cardboard box you live in has to be an eyesore.
4 NBC Network executives discover that even though Jay Leno is funny after the 10 o'clock news, he's not funny before the 10 o'clock news. Maybe Americans will just laugh at anything when they're in a bad mood?
6 Fox The Simpsons has been on for 20 years. I think that we now have enough Simpsons episodes in the can to cancel everything else, wouldn't you say?
7 ABC Family Americas Funniest Home Videos: Watch two chestnut horses pursue their legal right to get married in Oklahoma.
8 Animal Planet Tonight on "Wild Recon," animal adventurer Donald Schultz goes after that most elusive of biospecimens in Orlando, Florida--the uncircumcised European tourist.
7 ABC Family Harry Potter and the Uncircumcised European Tourist
7 ABC Family America's Funniest Racist Graffiti
13 PBS Frontline Canadians fleeing socialism continue to pour into our borders and must make up at least 81% of our population, notes an upstate New York gas station attendant.
15 The History Channel Since you're not interested in Hannibal and his march on Rome, how about we do a documentary about the ghosts of old New Orleans prostitutes. Would that inspire your interest in history?
17 Golf A Golf Channel Exclusive: "Driving With Wood: The Tiger Woods Story"
17 Golf Tiger Woods: From The Head To The Shaft
17 Golf Tiger Woods: Shooting 14 Holes And Counting
17 Golf Tiger Woods: From The Car to the Curb
17 Golf Tiger Woods: From the Curb to the Curb to the Fire Hydrant and Back To the Curb
17 Golf "Holes, Putting and Grass--The Endless Joke Potential of the Tiger Woods Scandal"
17 Golf Why is Tiger Woods giving up golf? Because he doesn't like the golf clap.
17 Golf Why is Tiger Woods taking time off from golf? He has to work on his swinging.
18 E! Entertainment Television What kind of wood doesn't float? Natalie Wood.
19 A&E One to hold the bulb and 100 to spin the room.
20 BET So you can take her home like a six pack.
20 MTV Jersey Shore: Is it too late to build a fence to keep out Italians?
20 MTV How about the Irish?
22 Fox News Nope, we pretty much just want to keep out the Mexicans.