What new floats are featured in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade?
--*Sailor Mickey Mouse
--*A character from whatever cartoon is making the most money on Nickelodeon
--*Fritz the Cat, Mr. Natural and other outre, pornographic R. Crumb characters.
--*An inflatable Cartman float with a real word "balloon" that really says the word "fuck" on it
--*A Meryl Streep float, with an inflatable Oscar for "Kramer vs. Kramer" trailing behind
--*The Pantheon of Hot Air Presidents, featuring all of them
--*The "housing bubble" balloon
--*The ballooning deficit
--*A giant turkey, which you literary types will recognize as a reference to the turkey car in Tom Robbins' outrageous novel Skinny Legs and All. Or maybe I'm being pretentious and it's simply supposed to be a big turkey. Damn useless postmodernist education of mine!
--*An Israel balloon wrapped haphazardly around a Palestinian balloon
--*A giant air balloon with Bret Michaels in it whose moorings will be cut and who will then be set free in a heart-warming spectacle akin to the freeing of doves and butterflies--a surprise for the audience and Bret Michaels alike.
--*A special float modeled after an SUV, like the thousands that the Ford Motor Co. hopes you can take off its hands.
--*Extra sex doll balloons from the Adult Video News awards, which, like everybody else, is trying to cut costs and avoid depreciation by reusing old items
--*At the end, Santa Claus, the patron saint of retail sales, who we hope will protect our bottom lines this Christmas
--*... and thus, hopefully, create more asset inflation.
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!